The Last Post...

Selamat Pagi/Siang/Sore/Malam, Teman2 dan Keluarga! ("Good Morning/late-morning-early-afternoon/late-afternoon-early-evening/evening, Friends and Family!"),

Rare is the opportunity for me to use Bahasa Indonesia these days, so I'm seizing the chances where I can!  Nearly two months have elapsed since my arrival back in Canada, and as I am just at the beginning of a new school year, I thought that this might be a good time to write that one final blog that I promised I'd post. My year in Indonesia provided me with one half credit for school (talk about pay-off, eh? I suppose the hands-on experience is the greater reward), and my blog will supply me with the bulk of the content for the final assignment that will be handed in in order to receive my credit. The final assignment requires a minimum of 12 journal or blog entries that encompass a diverse range of my experiences abroad, in addition to a summary, a conclusion, some creative components, and if possible, some linking of PACS theories and lessons to my experiences and emotions during my time in Indonesia. The best part of this assignment is that it provides me with the opportunity to re-read what I wrote throughout the year, and re-live at least a few of my experiences (a little less intensely than the first time around...)

I last posted when I was in Akron. I was two days away from being picked up, and I spoke of the sadness I felt over leaving my SALT family, mixed with a heavy dose of happiness and excitement at the prospect of going home. It was a bit ironic then, that my parents arrived to pick me up at the exact moment that I was saying good-bye to my dear friend Laura. When I think about it, that moment of losing the person most integral to my year in Indonesia at the same time as I gained some of the most important people to my life back here, was very symbolic. It was as though the door of my year in Indonesia closed right as the door to my new life back at home opened up. (Not to say that everything to do with the year tied up nice and neatly and stopped dead when I pulled off the parking lot; only just that the physical SALT journey had reached its end.) It was so hard to say good-bye to the people who know my experience better than anyone, but the excitement and relief that I felt to be heading home overpowered my feelings of sadness.

The eight hour car ride back from Akron felt like one or two at most, with a constant stream of chatter and the excitement of taking in the roadside landscape that a year earlier had been a bit tainted by the impending good-byes that awaited at the end of the journey. I had feared that I had built up the experience of going home and seeing everyone too much in my mind, but everything- from being picked up by my parents, to arriving at home (where my extended family and one of my best friends were awaiting my arrival, complete with two 12-foot hand painted welcome banners, dozens of balloons, flowers, and an abundance of FOOD), to seeing my room for the first time, to petting  my cat, to seeing my boyfriend, to attending church for the first time, to bike rides and- most importantly- reacquainting myself with my favourite foods- met, if not exceeded, my expectations. My first days back felt like an incredible dream that I was not waking up from, and the beauty and ease of life at home felt so freeing and wonderful! I had made a list of the things I wanted to do when I got back home while I was in Indonesia, and I blazed through a whole pile of those. The simple little things brought me so much joy, and that's something that I'm trying to hold on to (though it's crazy how quickly "incredible" can move to "normal"). Bike rides, fresh foods, spending time with family and friends, and many more little things, were such a treat at the beginning of summer, and continue to be things that I really enjoy and am thankful for each day.

As planned, I spent my 5 weeks of summer just catching up with friends and family, going for lots of bike rides, baking and cooking like crazy (that's my newest passion), spending time in Waterloo and at the cottage, and putting some things back in order. I was welcomed back with two parties- one from my family the night of my arrival, and the other from friends who had managed to keep the whole thing a surprise until I arrived at the door. I have never felt as loved as I have since my return from Indonesia. I celebrated my 22nd birthday on August 10th, and while it would have been fun to celebrate a birthday in Indonesia, it was also kind of cool to not have missed one while I was away. I got together with several people for coffee, and their concern for my well-being post-SALT experience has eased the reverse culture shock/emotional dip that we were being prepared for during re-orientation. Many times I heard that the transition to life back at home can be more difficult than the transition to our host communities was. I had braced myself entirely for it, and while something could still hit, I think that one of the big reasons people struggle is because they come from community-oriented cultures back to individualistic society, which I've heard can be difficult to transition from. I, on the other hand, have had more of a community-oriented lifestyle here in Canada than most people have, with a really close family, a supportive church, understanding friends, and a close-knit second family at Conrad Grebel. Within that community are many MANY people who have experienced life overseas and who can offer helpful support should I need it. I am also overwhelmingly blessed by people who genuinely do want to hear about my time abroad, and who are patient enough to listen through my stories. I have not yet found myself wishing for more people to listen to things that I need to say, or finding that the people who are listening are not actually concentrating on what I'm saying. We were told at orientation that the question, "How was Indonesia?" would get frustrating since it is such a broad question, but I have only found that I've felt grateful that people have remembered that I've been away and care enough to ask. My response is almost always the same: "It was a good experience! I'm glad I did it, and I'm also glad it's over!" This is completely true. It was such a hard year, but it was so worth it, and I'm so glad that it happened and that I can now simply reflect upon it from my home community.

The biggest adjustment that I'm finding, now that the parties are over, the novelty of my arriving home has worn off, and the grind of a full course load has begun, is to feeling like I have a home here. This is something that they talked about at orientation too, saying that no place feels like home when you get back. I'm really feeling that right now- my apartment is brand new here, and it's the first time I'm living off campus, which is a lot more isolating than I expected it to be. The faces at Grebel are nearly all new to me, and the place where I used to be a "somebody" (leading Peace Society, being an ambassador, and simply being able to go into anyone's room and know them) now refers to me as "Austin's sister", which I am definitely not used to! Niagara-on-the-Lake feels like home in some ways, but I've been living away from there for too long now for it to feel like the grounding place that it did back when I was little. I'm really feeling like I'm growing up and getting older, making bigger life decisions and having more responsibility on my shoulders. It's exciting to be at the point too, but there are days where it is overwhelming. On those days, I'm really really grateful for the people in my life who are in similar places or are a bit further on down that road, and can offer support and sympathy and words of wisdom. Another little "reverse culture shock" experience that I'm having is the inability to concentrate on conversations going on around me, and sometimes even directly to me. I read that this has been the case for others too, and I think it stems from a year of getting into the habit of tuning out a lot that goes on around me since I couldn't understand it. I think this will improve slowly but surely in the next year, but if you find me zoned out during a conversation, I apologize! It isn't because you're boring!!

The team of SALTers for 2012/2013 began their own SALT journeys on August 9th, and as I know few of those people (one of whom took over Laura's position in Java), I have been taking advantage of technology's amazing ability to keep us connected despite geographical divides. The facebook updates and blog posts that I've read from them evoke the strongest emotions that I've felt since being home. Their words remind me of my words at the beginning of my experience last year, and since I can relate so well to what they are have experienced/are experiencing/will experience, I find myself filled with excitement, sharing their enthusiasm, and also hurting for them as I can understand the homesickness, the frustrations, and the exhaustion. More than anything, I am so proud of those who have chosen to embark on their own journeys. I underestimated the guts that it takes to spend time overseas (and a good thing I did, otherwise I never would have gone, and would have missed out on an incredibly worthwhile experience), and my respect for those who spend time abroad has skyrocketed now that I can relate.

Before I left last year, I had so much enthusiasm and excitement. I had my rose coloured glasses on, and was looking at the upcoming year with an unrealistic dose of idealism. I admit that partway through the year, I began to feel very deceived and mislead by those who have gone on missions stints before myself. I felt like people had been dishonest or misleading about the challenges of serving overseas. It was only in coming home and communicating with the new SALTers that I began to understand why I felt that way. As upcoming SALTers began to ask me questions, I found it really hard to answer them. I wanted to be honest, but I also didn't want to squash their excitement. I didn't want to feed or create any pre-conceived notions. I didn't want to taint their perspective. I also knew that my experience could be entirely different than theirs, and that my challenges may not be their challenges at all. Keeping all of that in mind, I sat with a blinking cursor, trying to formulate a response to the question, "what did you find challenging?" or similar questions. It was hard, and my answer ended up being honest, but vague, and in no way did it convey the full weight of the emotions behind the words. My mom said that it's a bit like having a baby: It's the worst pain in the world, but it's so worth it, so while you feel awful for the people experiencing it, you would never want to dissuade them from the experience that will ultimately change your life for the better, so you don't want to focus too heavily on the difficult part! (I've never had a baby, so I cannot confirm this analogy, but this makes sense to me!)

I'm not sure exactly how this past year in Indonesia will affect my life down the road. I'm not sure what opportunities it has opened, nor do I have a grasp on how it has changed my outlook on life. In talking to a friend who lived overseas for three years back about 30 years ago, she mentioned that even now, things still come up that connect back to her years in Africa. I'm sure that that will be the case for me too, and it's really exciting to think that 11 short months could have such an impact on the whole future of my life. For now, I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm back in Waterloo, living in a beautiful apartment with four good friends from Grebel. I'm taking a full course load which includes Mennonite History, a research seminar course, the paper for this past year, a course on Pacifism and Just War, and a course on World Music. I'm considering writing about the influence of the Gamelan on the music/theatre culture of Java for my world music final paper, and am expecting to write my research paper on- wait for it, wait for it- the impact of FOOD as a cross-cultural tool for peace and reconciliation! It looks like my time in Indonesia is going to shape my studies quite strongly this term. I have a few volunteer-type things that I'm excited to get involved in, and am in the process of connecting with and getting involved with a church in Kitchener. There's nothing like a solid church family to keep you grounded! I will be graduating from school in April, and I'm holding Laura to her promise to come visit me after graduation for a few weeks. After that, the whole world opens right up to me! I'm exploring the potential of getting a Masters Degree in Social Work, or in Peace and Conflict Studies. I'm also toying with the idea of taking time off and earning money to go and visit some of the people I miss so much (like Nicole in Paraguay, or Sushant and Priti, who are just in the midst of returning to India after their term in Indonesia). I may stick around Waterloo and volunteer. The options are truly endless, and it's both frightening and exciting to think of what is open to me once April comes and goes.

It has been an absolute pleasure to have had a purpose for keeping a blog this year, and I thank you for providing me with an audience and support group who, perhaps unintentionally, kept me motivated this year. You gave me reason to search for the positives during the low times; the humourous moments when things didn't seem so funny; and the little "aha" experiences that helped me to expand my understanding of a new culture, of being a foreigner overseas, of the global church, and of serving cross-culturally, throughout the course of this year.

Now that I'm back on this side, I look forward to seeing many of you often in-person. To my YALT and Indonesian friends and family, I miss you all very much, and I'm thinking about you often! Thank-you for EVERYTHING this past year. There aren't enough words to describe how grateful I am to you!

Tuhan Selalu Memberkati!
Sampai Bertemu Lagi!

Love,
Ellery