A Post of Confessions

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening!

Another week gone by! I'll get right to the point of this blog- confessions.

This past week has admittedly been a challenging one, emotionally. I find myself stressed and anxious but I am confused about the root cause of it. It is highly likely that at least part of it can be attributed to the act that I feel like I am constantly flying by the seat of my pants when it comes to preparing for the classes I teach. I don’t lack the time to prepare for these classes, but I do lack the motivation. While everything in my position is going as well as it could possible go,  I think it would be fair to label my current state as perhaps mildly depressed. The lack of motivation creates a vicious cycle of paralyzing anxiety that leaves me, as I’ve said, really unable to properly prepare myself, which does nothing to help the anxiety. It’s so easy for me to tell myself, “Just start working and you’ll feel better!” It’s another thing entirely to actually do it. I find myself making list after list after list of things to do, which gives me temporary relief from my anxiety, but in reality, a list is of no use if nothing gets crossed off of it.

My spiritual life has taken a steady hit too, and I just don’t feel the presence of a loving God in my life here right now. I feel like the God that is there is not a very loving or compassionate one, and I’m left feeling quite frustrated and anxious, and somewhat abandoned. Praying about it has not been helping, and in fact makes me more angry than anything. I have been reading the Bible more than I ever have in my life, and find it to be anything but a comfort. I feel like I must have a problem, like there is something I’m doing wrong that God requires me to fix or change, before He will allow me to feel His love and His approval. That feeling goes against both my head knowledge, and against everything that sets the Christian faith apart from others- that there is nothing that we as human beings can do to earn the love and grace of God. We’ll always be undeserving of it, and yet we’ll always receive it anyways. Knowing it is one thing, but feeling it is quite another. In my quest to understand why my spiritual life has taken such a dive, several things come to mind.

First, I find that church here is so different. Besides the language barrier, it is extremely evangelical, a worship style that I am not accustomed to and not completely comfortable with. I find it a challenge to accept it for what it is, and the more “intense” it gets, the less engaged I become. I have come from 21 years of one hour, low-key church services, comprised of hymns with the odd praise and worship session thrown in, a 20-30 minute sermon, and a few prayers. Here, sometimes I feel like my days are organized around  prayers, and it seems that peoples’ lives here revolve around church. That’s really great if that is what gives a person that spiritual nourishment. I wish I could feel that same way. I want to appreciate everything about the opportunities to immerse myself in such a God-focused life, and I have spent hours asking God to just help me understand the spirit of evangelical worship so that I can at least respect it as it deserves to be respected. As of now though, I have not reached that place.

Secondly, church life here also lacks that comfort that church at home offers. A huge part of spiritual nourishment for me comes from seeing those familiar faces every Sunday, from realizing the blessing of being part of a bigger family, who knows me and cares deeply about me, and who I know and care deeply about. I’ve been attending church here for less than four months. That cannot possibly compete with the years I’ve spent at Niagara UM, or even the involvement I've had in church life in Waterloo. I also get a lot of spiritual fulfillment from one-on-one discussions, from impromptu worship sessions, from being outdoors... I have had next to no access to any of those things, and am struggling to feel God in other ways.

It’s very maddening to feel this way during the year that I need God more than anything (at least that's the sense that one gets when the security of the familiar is taken away) and during my year of service to others, where I was expecting to have the energy and mental capacity to show others the love of God (I’m sure you get the vibe that that is not going as expected). I think I made the mistake of assuming that a closer connection with God and a greater sense of peace would overwhelm me this year as has happened in the other times that I have been overseas. I’m sensing a much-needed lesson being taught here, but I do not know what it is as of now. I’m getting pretty sick of waiting it out, but I've said before that I am not very patient, and perhaps that too is all part of some greater lesson to be learned. I just hope I'll come out stronger for it all in the end!

But finally, on to lighter things! A little incident happened at the Solo Zoo two days ago, involving a lion and a very unlucky camel (I’m sure you can sense where this is going). A forgetful zookeeper didn’t double check the lock on the lion cage, and the lion escaped from his home, and entered the home of the camels. One camel survived the surprise visit, but one camel did not… I’m not sure who was more unlucky, the victim, or the bystander who had to observe the whole scene. The lion was promptly tranquilized and removed from the camel cage upon discovery of the scenario. I am unsure as to the fate of the forgetful zookeeper. This was the “big news” in Central Java this week! While people in North America were hearing about cyclones in Indonesia, we who are actually in Indonesia were hearing about the latest incidents at the local zoos (in addition to a word or two about the weather). Funny how that works!

I spent last weekend with Laura. We got to spend three nights together, which was just what I needed! On Friday night, my host mom made the most delicious meal that I have eaten in Indonesia, called Zuppa Sup. This is a cream-based soup, with corn and chicken, baked in the oven with puffed pastry. You really can’t go wrong! I taught TK on Saturday, and then Laura and I headed to Banyumanik to meet Nicole for lunch. We wound up sticking around and chatting until well after 3:00, and then Laura and I came back home in time for a break before youth. After youth, we headed out for dinner with my host family, and then hit the sack nice and early. Sunday was church and then out for a late lunch on the other side of Semarang. It was nice to see a part of the city that I hadn’t seen yet. We stopped at the grocery store on the way home, and I made the exciting discovery of cream cheese here in Semarang! On Monday, Laura and I headed to Salatiga for my weekly trip, which included a coffee date with Karen, some time at the office, and some walking around the city. We accidentally took a non-air conditioned bus on the way here. We typically take the air conditioned buses because, besides the comfort of air conditioning, they are considered safer than the non-A/C buses. They are more expensive, which keeps the clientele a bit higher in caliber, and reduces the risk of pick pocketing, as well as eliminates street performers, who are permitted to hop on and off the non-A/C buses. We did get the treat of a street performer, but we also felt completely safe, and saved a few cents too! Nonetheless, I opted for the A/C bus on the way home, and arrived back in Semarang around 5PM. The evening was a relaxing one, and I went to bed nice and early to prepare for the week.

Tuesday began my week of typical activities- TK, PPA, Gloria Patri, and today, Ichthus FM. It’s a pretty standard week here in the Indo! Mike arrives next week on Thursday, for his 4-day trip to another MCC site (I feel honoured that he chose mine, but I have a sneaking suspicion that part of the motivation was the access to city life- he said Semarang is like L.A. compared to the area he’s living in… I cannot imagine where he lives). Mike’s visit blends right into our trip to Singapore to renew our visas. We’re only gone for two nights (one full day), but the six of us who are heading out (Lweendo and Nancy already went in January as their visas expired earlier) have been awaiting our 2-night trip with as much anticipation as a full-blown vacation. We are SO excited!!

The rest of this week looks to be pretty low-key, with typical activities to keep me busy enough. I anticipate my weekly trip to Salatiga on Monday, and then Mike’s arrival and Singapore will bring us right into Mid-February. Saturday is the halfway mark! I think that once we are passed that day, a lot of us will feel a bit better mentally, just knowing that we are into the shorter half!

Anyways, thanks for sticking with me through a less-than-uplifting post!

I hope you're all doing well! Thinking of you often!
Lots of love,
Ellery